My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
There’s always that one guy
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger