[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
You Might Also Like
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.