I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
yall want some gasoline milk
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
same bro
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules