GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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This checks out
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?