In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.