I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.