I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style