Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: …
Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.