Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.