Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die