Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Time heals everything 🙂
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”