I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.