on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.