wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Every photo I’m tagged in
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
not seeing the problem
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.