Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
house sitting!
time machine? you mean a clock?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”