Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.