13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.