Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
You Might Also Like
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit