You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds