me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Kids: Stay in school.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?