Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.