Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac