Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.