When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
You Might Also Like
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Note to self: always read the final line
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them