Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.