I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again