Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Wait a minute
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.