The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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nature’s most graceful animal
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.