me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”