I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
when you are just born a rebel
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
oppen heimer style lol
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain