eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?