“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”