Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II