I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters