I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
we’re gonna need another temp
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*