“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
excuse me
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Hmmmmm
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*