There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Terribly Tuesday.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!