A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*exercises sarcastically*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
How I’d get arrested…
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.