I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”