Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.