If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My work here is don’t.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.