My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*pronounces patio like ratio
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”