Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“What movie?” 🤔
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself