BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
real
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.