absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*