On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed