I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..