Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You Might Also Like
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.