At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Solving a traffic jam
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
philosophical skeletons be like
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect