I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Hitlers gonna hitl
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Taliband
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast